Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
