Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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