Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
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sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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