I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
