Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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