Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
