plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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