The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
