so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
