he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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