I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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