She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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