I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
