What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
