Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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