You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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