the condom got lost in my hair
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
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I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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