So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
