I should be sponsored by Trojan
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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