You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
