New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
