my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize