You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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