I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
