I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
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Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
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I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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