i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
