Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
