Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
3pm strippers are depressing
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
My breasts were aching with rage.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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