my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The air taste purple.
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