But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
