He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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