My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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