There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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