now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
