if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
