Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
