I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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