my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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