How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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