I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
