the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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