On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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