i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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