cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
