Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
