How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
