Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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