I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
