Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.