I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.