just sent my roommate on a cheese run
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants