I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe