She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
