just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
