They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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