I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
