The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
