I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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