I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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